Are you as tired of hearing about love as I am?
As weary of Valentines’ Day as I am?
The truth is, I’m engaged to a man I love very much. I hit the jackpot! He’s sweet, sensitive, strong, sexy, and all the other S-words you can think of.
But sometimes I don’t exactly know what love is.
Whether you’re single, divorced, widowed, in a complicated relationship, or in a fantastic relationship, we all want this thing called love…and more and more of it.
But what does that mean to you?
Last night I was in a mood the opposite of love. I was tired. Cranky. Toxic. It had been building and building and building all week as I didn’t make enough time for self-care and felt the effects of the eclipse and my cycle and the deep Tantra healing I’ve been doing.
Without a filter, without all the self-judgement and control I normally layer on myself, I said it.
“I hate everything. I hate that the world feels so messed up. I hate that I have to pee. I hate the rain.” I fumed as we were walking to the theater. I was purging about my inner world and outer surroundings in a stream-of-consciousness. But then I stopped walking. For a moment, I stopped talking.
“Except for that flower…God, it’s beautiful. I LOVE it.”
Except for that flower…that wild-looking greenery busting through the fence that we passed.
I loved how it jutted out past the wrought-iron and into my way. I loved how it said “I can go anywhere. I can do what I want. I can crawl over the sidewalk and spill out beyond anything.”
It was wet and green and glorious and forced me to stop my rant.
It made it very hard for me to say “I hate everything”.
Love wouldn’t leave me alone.
Do you ever feel like love has left you alone?
It’s still there. The audacious green plant through the fence. The strawberry macaroon all crisp then soft then gooey against your teeth. The warmth of my fiance’s hand on the back of my heart in the theater last night. The feel of soft fabric as I dress in the early morning to go see a yoga client.
Love isn’t something we describe. It’s something we feel. Something that presses towards us if we let it. Life is waiting to love us open to the beauty of the moment. And it wants our love back, our authentic expression as it flows through us, in return.
Had I not said how I felt, it would’ve downplayed the intensity of my experience and of the moment. By letting myself flow – still taking responsibility for my experience and not blaming or projecting – I opened. I let that flower show me love at a time when I felt helpless and may have otherwise churned in my mind.
Whenever I’ve felt at my lowest, love has not left me alone. She was an elderly woman in Thailand helping me cross a busy street as I traveled solo after a divorce. She was the outpouring of women in pink hats after the election during the women’s march. She was the eyes of my therapist and the hug of a friend after a miscarriage.
I believe in a love that won’t leave us alone. I believe in a love beyond limits, just like that fern growing past the fence.
What limits do you place on love?
Are you waiting to look a certain way before you love yourself?
Are you waiting until society says you’re loveable to feel good in your body?
Are you waiting until a man approves of you to know your worth?
I will not wait.
I will not wait to love myself.
I will not wait to accept my body as beautiful, exactly as it is.
I will not wait to receive my value and claim my goodness.
I will let my self-love bust through every fence and container placed on it and say YES to love NOW.
All around me, the women in my life are no longer waiting. They are starting new businesses, moving to new cities, writing edgy blog pieces, getting new haircuts (yes, beauty and fun are important too J).
It’s as if collectively we have said ENOUGH. We are ready. We are ready to let love meet us. And we are ready to come towards the world with fierce love.
After surviving sexual trauma, and blowing up a series of relationships, I never thought I would find a love that is bigger than the limits I put on it. My fiancé allows all of me: the rage and the sadness and the tears included. And I am receiving his love as I authentically feel, express, and love all the parts of myself.
It doesn’t matter what shape it looks like, what flavor or texture or mood. You are loveable. You are beautiful. You are worthy. You are capable of bursting past any limits, any fences. Let yourself open to love. And please don’t leave the world alone. We need you.
I write for American Fitness Couture because I love Linda and her products. I love her commitment, her fierceness, her integrity, and her love for people and for doing the right thing for LA and for the planet. She is a woman who does not wait. Thank you Linda for the opportunity to write this piece!
Jessica Schmidt is a Fitness Influencer for American Fitness Couture. She is an Executive Coach, Reiki Master and 500 hour Yoga Alliance and YogaWorks certified teacher. In her former life, she graduated with distinction from Harvard Business School. Before joining YogaWorks as their National Retail Buyer in 2010, she worked for General Mills and for the Boston Consulting Group in their New York office. While she lived all over in her twenties, she grew up in Nebraska and Minnesota, and attended Iowa State University, where she majored in Chemical Engineering and minored in Business and Spanish. VISIT JESSICA AT: www.thepleasurepath.today